I just came back
from the hospital and another illness is added to the list! Doctor confidently
diagnosed my bald patch as Alopecia Areata and asked me to use the same topical
treatment cream I applied on my Vitiligo patches.
For those who didn’t
know, last year I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Disc Herniation and Sciatica. In between all that, I have frequent diaarrhoea, food poisoning,
sinusitis, sleep disruption, headaches and etc. Earlier this year, Vitiligo
came and leeched itself on me. Just last month, the doctor guessed I have Neuritis and today, I am given Alopecia. Wow, what’s next?
As I googled up
on Alopecia, it says that 1 in 5 people would progress to total baldness. So I’m
going bald after turning slowly into a leopard with spots? What other
autoimmune disorders will creep up? How disfigured will I get? Will I be
shunned by society? Hmmm…should I freak out? For some reason, I am unusually
calm although I can’t say I am not disappointed, upset or more sombre than usual.
Beginning of this year, I quit my stressful job and came back to my hometown. I’ve been ‘jobless’
for almost a year although I do get part time/freelance stuffs once in a while.
The illnesses have taken a toll on my body physically, mentally, emotionally
and even spiritually. I’ve gained 10 kgs since last year. Tomorrow is the last
day of the year. Should I lash curses at God and hold resentment against him?
Should I throw away all smiles and laughter and wallow in self-pity? I think
not.
As I look back
at this past year of 2013, there is much to be thankful for. Yes, even in my
multiple sicknesses and trials and losses, I am thankful. I won’t put up a
front and tell you that it has been a breeze and every day I had wakened up
being grateful. I confess I have been bitterly frustrated, depressed, fearful,
doubtful and even angry at God many times. Why did the Almighty God allow heaps
of things to happen to me?
Well, He’s God and I’m not. Therefore, I will
never completely understand and grasp the big picture that He has in mind. I
believe He has a plan for all these. He always does. He promises in
Romans 8:28 ‘We know that all things work together for good
for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.’
If God can give
Sarah a child at her impossible old age and raised Lazarus from the dead, I am
sure there is nothing that is impossible for Him. There must be something good
out of all these trials and sufferings.
First and foremost, I am very grateful for the Lord’s grace
and strength for helping me get through my painful days and days when I felt
hope was just too far away. I am especially thankful for His constant
Providence through unexpected sources that has kept me going although I was and
still am technically jobless. I even get to go on several travel trips overseas
through sponsors! I also thank God for the generous love from my family and
friends. I still get to celebrate Christmas where many are homeless and cannot
even go to church because of terrible disasters like the typhoon that plagued
so many Filipinos. I am thankful for shelter and food and looking at my size, I’m
sure you will know that there is always plenty of food on the table, if not too
much.
I would also like to thank God for the many times I've been hurt, misunderstood, rejected and humiliated for at times like these, I felt I had a glimpse of God's painful sacrifice for us. I thank God for all my illnesses because they keep me a little humbler and dependable on God for without Him I cannot go on especially on days when my physical strength is at its lowest. It was at times like these that I sometimes felt the closest to God although there were many times that I thought He had abandoned me. Again, those times were crucial to help me develop my faith. I sure hope it is not diminishing but growing instead. I am glad to still be alive, kicking and moving where millions have died or became bed-ridden.
I would also like to thank God for the many times I've been hurt, misunderstood, rejected and humiliated for at times like these, I felt I had a glimpse of God's painful sacrifice for us. I thank God for all my illnesses because they keep me a little humbler and dependable on God for without Him I cannot go on especially on days when my physical strength is at its lowest. It was at times like these that I sometimes felt the closest to God although there were many times that I thought He had abandoned me. Again, those times were crucial to help me develop my faith. I sure hope it is not diminishing but growing instead. I am glad to still be alive, kicking and moving where millions have died or became bed-ridden.
Due to
my ‘joblessness’, I have time on my hands and I have been immersing myself in
creative projects from crafts, paintings and especially writing. Writing has always
been a childhood dream buried and forgotten because it is not something someone
in my country would encourage you to take seriously especially if it involves
fiction or storytelling. Same goes to painting. There are plenty of poor
artists around me and those who cared didn’t want me to end up like them. I am
thankful however that my family supports my endeavours and although most of
them do not understand or even read my writings especially my poetry, they
never stopped me from doing them or put pressure on me to quickly find a desk
job or a 9 to 5 occupation. I mostly felt the ongoing pressure from within
myself. It is by facing the dark and forging ahead to fight those battles that I
was able to draw much inspiration to write and paint. So for these trying
times, I want to thank God for leading me through this foggy war. Without all
these ‘unforeseen circumstances’, I would never have time to sit down, reflect,
write and paint. I would have been too busy trying to look my best, be my best
at my career and on top of that, acting like a social butterfly fleeting from
one party to the next.
I don’t
know if I will ever be cured of all my sicknesses or whether I will get financially
stabilised in 2014. One thing I know and I’m certain of is that God is always
with us. No matter the hurdles he’ll make me jump over or the raging sea that
he’ll have me cross, I know He is faithful even when I am not and that means He’ll
give me all the necessary graces to not only persevere but to rise above them
all triumphantly. And so, in sickness or in health, in baldness or in full
crown of glory, I thank God and will thank Him for all He has prepared for me
in this coming year. After all, what are a little baldness, a little pain and a
little poverty as compared to the crucifixion pains and humiliation suffered by
Jesus on the cross? What we have or will ever have is pale in comparison to
His. Let us draw strength from He who has been through it all.
As He
has commanded, let us obey and
'give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' (1 Thess 5:18)
By the way, I am working on my first novel while compiling
my poetry. Hopefully, I’ll get to publish them both in 2014. Also, more
paintings will be on sale! Here’s to a fruitful and joyous Happy New Year no
matter whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. One more thing, I thank God
for you. Will you pray for me as I pray for you?
