There are so many Fibromites

Wow...Today I realise that there are so many of us Fibro people out there.

I shared my poem 'I wish to Help' published on Image Curve website with Fibromyalgia Awareness facebook page and they posted it on their website. The link is here:

http://fibrotoday.com/fibromyalgia-poem-i-wish-to-help/

Fibromyalgia Awareness FB page shared the link on their website and within 6 hours, there were 439 shares, 36 comments and 784 people who like it. It makes me cry to know that there are so many people going through Fibro pain and challenges, some on a mild level and some in chronic pain. I am not so alone after all.

I didn't think that so many people could relate to my poem but I was wrong. Since I was diagnosed in 2012, I was often hiding and only recently, I could openly share online that I am a Fibromyalgia patient. However, I am so much better now. Faith, poetry and arts kept me going through my toughest days. Poetry and arts give me a channel to express my pain and turned my pain into something good, at the same time sometimes distract me from pain and depression.

My dear Fibro friends,
If there is something that makes you happy, do it and you will find strength to go through your pain. When it is just too much, take a break and rest. I have to keep reminding myself that although guilt of time wasted drives me up the wall sometimes.

You can get through this.

Xoxo

I wish to Help

My poem written during a fibromyalgia attack has just been published on this website.

http://www.imagecurve.com/2015/09/wish-help-poem-about-pain/

As this month is Suicide Prevention Month, I would like to dedicate this poem to all who are suffering in one way or another, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Hang in there buddy! Life will turn around...don't end it.

I love you!

NaPoWriMo Day 24. Manic Unrest.

Apologies.

I posted this poem on instagram and facebook on Day 2 but couldnt get it to the blog so it's late.

A drop of poetry by me A. Bong 2015
NaPoWriMo Day 24
Manic Unrest

NaPoWriMo Day 17. Silent Cries

A drop of poetry by Angelina Bong 2015
NaPoWriMo Day 17
Silent Cries

NaPoWriMo Day 9. Invisible Hand

The first line was buzzing in my head when I woke up. Here's my tribute to the Invisible Hand.

A drop of poetry by Angelina Bong
NaPoWriMo Day 9
Invisible Hand

Bubble of Joy

Dear readers,

This short story/fiction is inspired by real experiences of what a fibromyalgia patient goes through. It is written with hope to bring awareness to fibromyalgia as well as shed some light to those who are suffering from it or other diseases that involve chronic pain, depression or even mental illness, panic disorder and etc. 

If you are suffering from any kinds of pain physically, emotionally, mentally or even spiritually, I hope this story will enlighten you and give you hope. Enjoy.

Pain in Silence
A Sketch by Angelina Bong

BUBBLE OF JOY

Her feet trudged along the sands of a foreign land, with unbearable scorching heat purging her porcelain skin beyond skin deep. Miles and miles of golden sand stretched out ahead as the grains infested her blistered, bloodied toes. There was nothing living anywhere around, not even the thorny sights of cactus.

           She had thrown herself into the beginning of a dark, forsaken journey alone. Loneliness and hunger took over her sanity as she longed for a visible companion. Thoughts of dying permeated her mind every single second. Yet it did not happen. Death would not visit her.

She could not turn back although the quest already appeared to be a lost cause. Her vision slowly dwindled as the ravaging wind blew sand into her eyes. Her wounds stung as the dryness continued to worsen. She wished to take her own life yet an unseen drop of grace stopped her. It kept her moving as she hoped to reach the oasis at the end of the desert. The living water that never ran dry lay beyond the oasis in a promised paradise known to many as a legend. She believed it to be more than mere folklore.

Intan woke up in agony. It was only three in the morning. Her muscles groaned in soreness and her body felt bruised. Her left feet burned with a deep penetrating ache. Her dream felt real as she recalled the thousand miles in the forlorn desert.  Would she ever discover a paradise on earth? She cried in hopelessness as she popped another painkiller into her mouth.

Intan had been living with fibromyalgia since her diagnosis a year ago. It had been a rollercoaster ride as she fought to keep from falling into the abyss of despair. Her days were filled with pain, gloom, desolation and extreme fatigue although there would be a few bright days which were becoming a rarity. It was common to have piercing pain poking her simultaneously like nails being hammered into her flesh. She wondered how anyone could undergo crucifixion in the old days. At times, tingling sensation spread throughout her entire body as if ants were crawling and feasting on her skin. The worst ordeal came from tackling multitudes of symptoms accompanying her physical afflictions ranging from migraines, irritated bowel syndrome, occasional hives flare ups, sinusitis, and so forth.

Waking up every morning was a struggle for her as her body mimicked bouts of arthritis with stiff fingers clenched up refusing to be loosened. As soon as her eyes opened to the rising sun, she would beg God on her knees to give her strength as she prepared to enter the warzone. She clawed her way through tiredness for the rest of the day with what little energy left to make ends meet. Her nights were not of rest and rejuvenation as she battled with insomnia and sleep disturbances. Once in a while, she would sail through her daily chores smoothly and pondered whether the previous day’s combat was a stroke of ill-fantasy.

  She devoured on every new research she could get her hands on and tried making lifestyle changes but nothing worked. She suffered alone for she knew not one single soul in Malaysia who had the same sickness. No one understood her and she wished she might as well be dead since her quality of life had gone down the drain.

Her colleagues accused her of faking it to gain sympathy. Her friends perceived it was all a hallucination of her mind. Her family thought she possessed some psychological disorder. Intan was also afraid it might all be a conjuring of her messed up imaginations. What if the distress brought upon her flesh was non-existent? How did she end up with this mysterious illness leeching on her? She buried her face in her pillows and cried to sleep again.

Her younger self appeared to her. She was in a party smiling and dancing away. A group of friends were surrounding her and they were all shaking their hips to Intan’s moving rhythm. A sanguine with a warm heart, she was always on her toes bouncing with energy and effortlessly enjoyed making new friends. Bubbly, jovial and carefree were the words one would use to describe Intan. Bringing laughter into people's lives was once her life’s purpose. Where had it all gone to? What happened to her joyful radiance? How did depression get to her? When was the last time she had truly laughed? Fibromyalgia had transformed her into a dead corpse walking on thin air waiting for her bones to dry up completely and crack.

She knew that no great person whisked through life without overcoming the strongest hurdles. She recalled her grandmother telling her about Abraham who had to leave his comfortable life to go through the crazy hot desert to reach the Promised Land. She especially admired the late Mother Teresa who continued to tend to the poor without fail despite her deteriorating health even when she was ailing in her old age. Intan also recently followed Nick Vujicic on Twitter as she felt a hint of solace to know that a man born without limbs could live a life of fulfilment without complains despite his inconveniences and disabilities to do what normal people could do.  Why could she not have as much endurance as them?

A dark cloud hung over her. Like a shadow transcending from below, there was mist creeping up from the earth. Fogging her vision and blocking her bloodstream, it was violating her senses. Gripping on her nerves and pressing her chest, something emerged from the shadows and began strangling her. Her veins were on the verge of bursting while she choked from suffocation and sent jolts of throbbing pain to her head. Her muscles were aching to be freed but her limbs started to numb. She could feel coldness sending shivers down her skin as she smelled suicide breathing on her face. She heard death knocking on her door. Fires of hell enwrapped her soul. Captured and imprisoned, she blinked away tears in silence. Crying for pleas of help and fighting to overcome death, she forged to stay alive.

In the darkest hours of giving up, Intan’s eyes flipped open. It was another night of restless sleep. Every night, she had to go through multiple episodes of wild dreams. Her doctor told her it was normal for fibromyalgia patients to have sleeping disorders. She was unable to control her intense dreams leaving her worn-out even after ten to fourteen hours of sleep. Any amount of sleep was never enough. She woke up every other morning feeling like she had pulled an all-nighter. She wondered why her Lyrica never really worked.

Doctor Lee prescribed Lyrica to Intan in order to relieve her pain. Somehow her body reacted indifferently to it. Her somatic aches were not eased at all and her sleep was still in turmoil. On top of that, her finance was diminishing as both Lyrica and her doctor’s consultation fees were expensive. Frustrated, famished of rest and burnt out, she dragged herself like a zombie to work. It was another day of fighting fibromyalgia.

Cloistered behind high walls, the bustling sounds of cosmopolitan lifestyles seeped through the bricks that surrounded her. Ambushed by creeping poisonous ivy, the thick walls were made of dusty moulds of wood. Occasionally, there were voices outside this little cavern unknown to the exterior world. The noises did not distract her. In fact, she was oblivious to them. Inside the walls, there was immense silence. Not even a drop of water could be heard. There was no breeze passing through at all. Listening intently to the stillness, she could hear a voice calling from within her. She sat down quietly facing the walls with her ears perked up. She wondered if the voice from inside her was her own.

Soon, darkness came. A dim candle flickered in the hollow where she sat. She could smell the stench of blood engraved around the walls. She suddenly felt a deep aspiration to be a martyr and to be killed for a cause. It was better to die than to wait in vain and not lived at all. She embraced this torturous yearning not knowing what she was looking for. Where was she and why was she there? What was her purpose in this enclosure? Was it the beginning or the end of her journey in life?

Her emotions were fragile yet not conforming to the voice within her. Finally she understood the voices and societal pressures outside those barriers. It was scary to be out there yet it was even more horrific to be inside with not a single soul to be seen. She craved for an audience to listen to that voice mysteriously sneaking up her throat. Whose voice was that? Was there something living inside her? Why was she trapped in there? She was alone in the world yet not of the world.

Hungry and crouching with her disjointed knees, she sensed a surge of insatiable thirst. Dressed in white and gold, she remembered she was a princess in exile. Malnourished beyond the naked eyes, she starved not for bread but for the voice within. The presence of the voice grew stronger but she could not bring it out no matter how hard she tried. What did the voice want of her?

Many days passed and she had a hunch that the angel of death would visit her soon. She vowed to become a glorious bride but by the look of it, her desire would never be fulfilled. Where was her prince charming? There was a vague memory of a prince asking her to wait for him. She reminisced about the promises he made to come and rescue her. There was no sign of any living person. Would he ever make it? Her parched throat made no sound and she sat motionless waiting for her groom.

Intan woke up with cold sweat enveloping her entire face. She gasped for breath as she called to mind the stale air from the small dark chamber with towering walls. Why was she having all these disturbing dreams? There were many times she thought she would rather have cancer or some autoimmune disorders. A life-threatening disease would eventually lead to death and end all the miseries in her life.  At the very least, that could satisfy her human mind that she was truly ill. She was sick of fighting an illness that has no known cause. Most people she knew only burdened her with advices on how to eat and exercise right without truly knowing what she had to bear night and day. At times she imagined her own death approaching and wished very much it would come sooner.

A bright light was shining down on her. She smelled fresh dew. Hearing voices of angels floating above her, she saw an injured lamb at her feet with blood all over its white fleece. Pools of water started to swell in her eyes. Suddenly, the lamb leapt into the clouds and disappeared. A blinding ray flashed down and cast away the spirits of anguish that was lurking in the air. The dark clouds gradually rolled away. The lamb reappeared spotless and pure white. It trotted in good spirit towards Intan and she automatically ran to hug it. Flowing tears streamed down her cheeks as she cuddled the lamb in her arms.  

She woke up and found herself beaming although her mood was somewhat melancholy. Her face was flustered and wet. She must have cried in her dreams. Could it be that she finally could smile after so long? Could that be tears of joy? This was the first time she had awakened without feeling afraid, anxious or terribly disturbed. Would she ever feel this way again? Why was fibromyalgia sucking away all her happiness? Was she depressed and not know it? How long had she been living in this state?

Soaked in divine sweetness, she woke up to the face of a King. His warm brown eyes gazed at her in a fatherly manner. He gave her a cup of honey, served as tea to quench her thirst. She stared at him in suspicion as he seemed to understand all her thoughts and longings. He nodded and exchanged words without audibly speaking. Was she in heaven or some fairy land?

She sat up on the bed of roses as he poured water from nothingness onto her. The feel of the water on her skin was magical beyond human expression. She understood she was instantaneously being cleansed of every impurity ever existed in the history of her life. He caressed her hand softly and on the spot, she could catch a glimpse of his kingdom. He gave her a foretaste of treasures that were to come. She was not even of royal blood but this king had bestowed a part of his glory upon her; something so rare and prized. She did not know whether to cry or to laugh as an extraordinary flame of bliss burst forth from her heart. No words could fully explain what she was going through. No happiness in this world could be compared to this moment. She felt belonged and utterly loved. Who was this king? A renewed vigour soared through her heart.

She opened her eyes. It was pitch black. Alas, it was just another dream. Prickling sensations were spreading all over her legs and her right foot was frozen. She was itching with hives infesting her arms like fiery parasites making a nest on a piece of meat. Yet, something sweet lingered in her. She did not feel frustrated but instead, a sense of peace held her. What were her dreams telling her? They were beginning to take a completely different direction from the usual dark nightmares. Would she be able to meet the King again?

Someone shook Intan hard. She jerked herself up as soon as she became aware that the hands firmly gripping her right shoulder belonged to Frodo. Frodo from ‘Lord of the Rings’ was sitting beside her? What nonsense!!! He summoned her to wake up, sleep no longer and beckoned her to follow him to the balcony. She gawked in disbelief as she tried to soak in the picturesque view of Rivendell where the elves from the story were living. Could it be possible that she was even there? Frodo waved his hand in front of Intan and brought a series of flashbacks presenting Frodo’s life journey in preserving the infamous ring to play right in front of Intan’s eyes. Forging ahead in difficult circumstances, she could see that Frodo never gave up. He stayed true to his task entrusted solely to him till the very end.

Intan felt ashamed. She broke down and started to weep. How many times in her life did she wallow in self pity and gave up on trying to get better? Tears of helplessness from overdue penned up frustrations led to wailings of bitterness. Frodo stroked her hair as one would to a little girl crying as his other hand found its way to Intan’s. As he held her fragile fingers in his small palm, he whispered to her that she was precious. Intan shook her head and blurted, "Precious?!! I'm a failed creation. Fibromyalgia has consumed me." 

Frodo’s sombre expression turned into one of good cheer as his eyes lit up with a twinkle. Grinning from ear to ear, Frodo said gently, “You might think that this fibromyalgia that you’re having is a curse but will you believe me if I tell you that this can be turned into a great opportunity for you to reach out to people?”

Intan’s ears twitched as her eyes blinked and signalled Frodo to go on. “Remember the king that you met? He sees the pain you are going through and he knows you have a kind soul. He has sent me as a messenger to ask you to fulfil a mission. You have suffered much and with that, you will be able to relate to the sufferings of others. He wants you to be his hands and feet to bring comfort and love to the bruised and broken-hearted humankind that the king so dearly loved. When you seek to console them, you will be healed from within. Be the bubble of joy that you are meant to be.”

Tears flooded Intan’s eyes as she glimpsed a silver lining in her fibromyalgia. For the first time, she tried to accept fibromyalgia. Clasping Frodo’s hands, she spoke, “Thank you Frodo for coming to me. Please tell the king that I am so grateful for this special task. Who am I to deserve such a high honour?”

Intan rose to her feet and she began to dance, rejoicing like fluttering butterflies. Frodo jiggled along with her and as they were swinging side by side to an invisible music, a dove flew towards them and perched itself on the balcony’s railing.

Intan woke up and her heart was beating fast to the tempo in her dream as if she was really on her twirling feet.  Feeling light-headed, Intan propped herself up on her pillows. A gush of wind blew across her face and goose bumps surfaced all over her body. She glanced towards the direction of the wind and realised it came from her ajar glass window. Sitting stock-still on the window sill was a dove. Intan’s mouth fell open and her hands trembled as she cowered behind her blanket, pulling it up to her neck. There was a streak of grey shade running across the milky white feathers on its right wing which happened to be exactly the same as on the dove in the dream. How coincidental could that be? What if it was not a dream and her soul was in another realm?

The dove took flight, flapping its wings vigorously and stood for like a second mid-air fixing its gaze towards Intan’s direction before it finally flew off. She felt strangely excited as she relived her dream and it was as vivid as if she was still there. She closed her eyes and slowly drew a long breath as she noticed a new power rising from within her.

Be Thankful for the Good and Bad Times of 2013

I just came back from the hospital and another illness is added to the list! Doctor confidently diagnosed my bald patch as Alopecia Areata and asked me to use the same topical treatment cream I applied on my Vitiligo patches.

For those who didn’t know, last year I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Disc Herniation and Sciatica. In between all that, I have frequent diaarrhoea, food poisoning, sinusitis, sleep disruption, headaches and etc. Earlier this year, Vitiligo came and leeched itself on me. Just last month, the doctor guessed I have Neuritis and today, I am given Alopecia. Wow, what’s next?

As I googled up on Alopecia, it says that 1 in 5 people would progress to total baldness. So I’m going bald after turning slowly into a leopard with spots? What other autoimmune disorders will creep up? How disfigured will I get? Will I be shunned by society? Hmmm…should I freak out? For some reason, I am unusually calm although I can’t say I am not disappointed, upset or more sombre than usual.

Beginning of this year, I quit my stressful job and came back to my hometown. I’ve been ‘jobless’ for almost a year although I do get part time/freelance stuffs once in a while. The illnesses have taken a toll on my body physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I’ve gained 10 kgs since last year. Tomorrow is the last day of the year. Should I lash curses at God and hold resentment against him? Should I throw away all smiles and laughter and wallow in self-pity? I think not.

As I look back at this past year of 2013, there is much to be thankful for. Yes, even in my multiple sicknesses and trials and losses, I am thankful. I won’t put up a front and tell you that it has been a breeze and every day I had wakened up being grateful. I confess I have been bitterly frustrated, depressed, fearful, doubtful and even angry at God many times. Why did the Almighty God allow heaps of things to happen to me?

 Well, He’s God and I’m not. Therefore, I will never completely understand and grasp the big picture that He has in mind. I believe He has a plan for all these. He always does. He promises in

Romans 8:28 ‘We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.’

If God can give Sarah a child at her impossible old age and raised Lazarus from the dead, I am sure there is nothing that is impossible for Him. There must be something good out of all these trials and sufferings.

First and foremost, I am very grateful for the Lord’s grace and strength for helping me get through my painful days and days when I felt hope was just too far away. I am especially thankful for His constant Providence through unexpected sources that has kept me going although I was and still am technically jobless. I even get to go on several travel trips overseas through sponsors! I also thank God for the generous love from my family and friends. I still get to celebrate Christmas where many are homeless and cannot even go to church because of terrible disasters like the typhoon that plagued so many Filipinos. I am thankful for shelter and food and looking at my size, I’m sure you will know that there is always plenty of food on the table, if not too much. 

I would also like to thank God for the many times I've been hurt, misunderstood, rejected and humiliated for at times like these, I felt I had a glimpse of God's painful sacrifice for us. I thank God for all my illnesses because they keep me a little humbler and dependable on God for without Him I cannot go on especially on days when my physical strength is at its lowest. It was at times like these that I sometimes felt the closest to God although there were many times that I thought He had abandoned me. Again, those times were crucial to help me develop my faith. I sure hope it is not diminishing but growing instead. I am glad to still be alive, kicking and moving where millions have died or became bed-ridden.

Due to my ‘joblessness’, I have time on my hands and I have been immersing myself in creative projects from crafts, paintings and especially writing. Writing has always been a childhood dream buried and forgotten because it is not something someone in my country would encourage you to take seriously especially if it involves fiction or storytelling. Same goes to painting. There are plenty of poor artists around me and those who cared didn’t want me to end up like them. I am thankful however that my family supports my endeavours and although most of them do not understand or even read my writings especially my poetry, they never stopped me from doing them or put pressure on me to quickly find a desk job or a 9 to 5 occupation. I mostly felt the ongoing pressure from within myself. It is by facing the dark and forging ahead to fight those battles that I was able to draw much inspiration to write and paint. So for these trying times, I want to thank God for leading me through this foggy war. Without all these ‘unforeseen circumstances’, I would never have time to sit down, reflect, write and paint. I would have been too busy trying to look my best, be my best at my career and on top of that, acting like a social butterfly fleeting from one party to the next.

I don’t know if I will ever be cured of all my sicknesses or whether I will get financially stabilised in 2014. One thing I know and I’m certain of is that God is always with us. No matter the hurdles he’ll make me jump over or the raging sea that he’ll have me cross, I know He is faithful even when I am not and that means He’ll give me all the necessary graces to not only persevere but to rise above them all triumphantly. And so, in sickness or in health, in baldness or in full crown of glory, I thank God and will thank Him for all He has prepared for me in this coming year. After all, what are a little baldness, a little pain and a little poverty as compared to the crucifixion pains and humiliation suffered by Jesus on the cross? What we have or will ever have is pale in comparison to His. Let us draw strength from He who has been through it all.

As He has commanded, let us obey and

'give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' (1 Thess 5:18)

By the way, I am working on my first novel while compiling my poetry. Hopefully, I’ll get to publish them both in 2014. Also, more paintings will be on sale! Here’s to a fruitful and joyous Happy New Year no matter whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. One more thing, I thank God for you. Will you pray for me as I pray for you?

Dedicated to those struggling from chronic pain: Battle in the Night

I probably posted the poem below before but thought i would do a dedication to my fellow fibromyalgia mates and those struggling from chronic pain.
I wrote this in the middle of the night when i was staying in the hospital when i was in pain from disc herniation and sciatica. My fibromyalgia pains intensified the pain and lyrica could not really help me to sleep that night.
That was last year and I am so much better now. I am off lyrica.
If you're suffering from fibromyalgia, do login to facebook and look for Voices of Fibromyalgia
https://www.facebook.com/voicesoffibromyalgia. You'll be surprised that you are not alone!
Alternatively: here is their blog: http://voicesoffibromyalgia.blogspot.com/

I put my poem there too.

Darkness falls and lights go off 
Nurses still busy past midnight
The dark tunnel amazingly calm
The soul at peace with lyrica

Celebrex soothes roaring nerves
Fibro wakes up now and then
The disc says hello unexpectedly
Sending excited waves all over

Stillness of the night brushes over
An occasional snore stir the silence
Faux drowsiness running through
Buzzing sounds of far emergencies

Lights outside sheds a bright twinkle
Ignoring neverending pokes of pain
Central nervous system likes to joke
Pouring waves of tingle till you cry

Numbness became one's best friend
A new soulmate as close as fibro
Unspoken words shared the cannal
Borderline carpel tunnel syndrome

Muscles and veins dances together
Forming jingles of tap dancing
Weakened arms exhorts a laugh
Expressing turmoil without energy

Alas the dark night is still long
It is a beginning of a new battle
Science and emotions join forces
Shaping warriors of divine strength

Don't give up the battle and you'll emerge a warrior stronger after all those wars you've survived!

Photo taken from Voices of Fibromyalgia

New Research on Fibromyalgia

My fellow fibro-mates,

I am pleased to announce to all of you today that there is new research on fibromyalgia that finally makes sense!
It is not imaginary and it is definitely not all in the head!
Dr. Rice has discovered that fibromyalgia patients have surprisingly excessive amount of arteriole-venule (AV) shunts, a type of nerve fiber under our skin. It is found that there is a link between these nerves and the widespread pain that Fibro sufferers feel.

Neuroscientist Dr. Frank L. Rice explained: “We previously thought that these nerve endings were only involved in regulating blood flow at a subconscious level, yet here we had evidences that the blood vessel endings could also contribute to our conscious sense of touch… and also pain,” Rice said. “This mismanaged blood flow could be the source of muscular pain and achiness, and the sense of fatigue which are thought to be due to a build-up of lactic acid and low levels of inflammation fibromyalgia patients. This, in turn, could contribute to the hyperactivity in the brain.” (taken from http://guardianlv.com/2013/06/fibromyalgia-mystery-finally-solved/ )

I am excited and happy to know of these new findings. Thank God for scientists!

Please read also from the links below to find out more :)

http://www.intidyn.com/Newsroom/Fibromyalgia%20Pathology%20for%20lay%20people%202013-06-24.pdf

http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/fibromyalgia-is-not-all-in-your-head-new-research-confirms-212300711.html

Let's continue to pray for ongoing research to discover new treatments and possible therapies to cure this disease.

God bless you!

The Ordinary Great Living Saint

I have just woke up from an off and on sleep. Groggy and light-headed, the drowsy flu medications sent my head spinning and my weak body flying into the couch of Villa Maria. I can't believe it is already almost sunset. It is terrible to have serious flu and chronic sinusitis when you also have fibro pains crawling under your skin poking you every now and then. It was definitely not a restful sleep. I haven't been doing much but I kept thinking of this great sick person whom I was given the privilege to visit. I aspire to have qualities like her.

She is a relative of mine, probably about 50 years of age or slightly more. She's currently in the nursing home as she couldnt walk. She needs to move around in a wheelchair. She suffered so much since a child. She has epilepsy since a child and had difficulties growing up normally. She got married but heartbreakingly, her marriage ended because her husband cruelly did not want to stick around a sick person. Her kids were snatched away and although they were not living oceans apart, she never saw them again. She lived with her parents in their small village and she was happy although life has not been kind to her. Few years back, her parents died leaving her all alone. She has siblings but everyone was so busy to attend to her because of work, kids, travel and etc. For the benefit of everyone, she agreed to stay in a nursing home for the aged.

We visited her not long ago and she was overwhelmed with joy. She only has a bed and a few belongings on a shelf next to her. She was sharing a big hall with many beds occupied with elderly people. Some are bed-ridden and some have dementia. All of them looked years older than her; probably around 75 and older. It was hot with only a few fans around but she was happy and contented.

She told us that everyday she thanked God for her life and she is contented being there. She has no worries or hold bitterness upon anyone about how circumstances are thrown upon her. She also thanked God for the nurses who looked after her and she goes to bed peacefully every night after saying her night prayers.

Everyone seemed to like her there. Most of the time she would sit on her bed because she is immobile as in her legs could not walk anymore. When she can, she will be moving around in her wheelchair saying hi to everyone in the hall; just paying the old folks a visit. The aged ladies and men are happy to see her. They claimed she's like a shining sun to them ever since she entered the home. Despite her terrible circumstances, she chose to be joyful and be a hope to others especially with the occupants who are paralysed and are left there forgotten. Many of us would have been depressed for the lack of privacy or blamed God for taking everything away but she chose to be positive.

She truly lived God's words and putting it in action everyday. Quietly, she is like Jesus to the people in the nursing home. I aspire to be like this ordinary yet great living saint of today that nobody knows.

                         1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:11

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

Romans 8:18

 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Most of all, I felt the presence of Jesus when I visited her. That speak volumes. I hope you are inspired by her life and may you be the shining Christ to those around you who may never know Christ no matter what circumstances you find yourself in. The joy of the Lord is your strength!

I love you Art

It is amazing what Art can do..
I was feeling sombre since yesterday. I woke up feeling groggy and foggy yesterday morning with a bit of aches and pains here and there. I guess it was one of my fibro-fog days.
I felt sluggish all the way to the hospital to follow up on my vitiligo. Lots of waiting and I had no energy the whole day.
Today I felt the same. I did not really have mood to go out. I just dragged my feet to follow my family to the mall but still feeling down somehow. A bit of unrest residing in my heart as well.
The time came when I am supposed to meet my buddies, my college's girlfriends. I must cheer up yet my heart feels dull.
Sipping on my starbucks chatting away with them, we started to open our sketchbooks and draw. I did something abstract and just sketched away! After a few hours, we had to go.
I felt the last few random doodles had set me free from my foul and 'depressed' mood. I felt energized, happy and relieved! I felt peace and somehow a notch closer to God.
I think God give us talents and when we bury them and not practice them, we will feel dead.
I thank God for Art and I thank God for friends who share the same interest.
Can you imagine the world without Art? Can you imagine everything is in black and white and square instead of the multi-colours and beautiful art creations that we see everyday of our lives?
A friend quoted that 'Earth without ART is just EH..'
How true is that hahhaha..

I love you Art

Sail by the Wind

Shadows walk past the bow,

The moon flickers in the dark,

Misty wind blows the sail,

Boat Grace stands elegantly,

One of the few peaceful nights,

Drenched she is on the rock,

Many sleepless nights of turmoil,

Rough sea splashes mightily,

Storm hails as gift of courtesy,

Lost in the quiet mystical ocean,

Fibro lays still in the cabin,

Faithful companion of Grace,

A love hate relationship occurs,

Beyond tears of crying rocks,

Grace moves forward like an eagle,

Soaring without fears nor doubts,

Fibro throws anchors of caution,

Putting stumbles along Grace's path,

She cannot stand him yet he clings on,

Like a parasite with flare ups,

Always stopping Grace in her tracks,

Yet he cares in a melancholic way,

He stands on the deck breathing,

Salty air sweeps across his youthful face,

Stroking her pulpit displaying caresses,

Grace shivers beneath the calmness,

Fibro's unorthodox ways chill her,

Numbing pains beneath the starboard,

She knows not how to lose Fibro now,

A best friend to steer her ways,

Lest she taps backward to her old land,

Lost and clueless they are for now,

The wind will do magical wonders,

As it always does in the past,

It will direct Fibro and soothe Grace,

As Grace sails to the promised land 

Battle in the Dark

Darkness falls and lights go off
Nurses still busy past midnight
The dark tunnel amazingly calm
The soul at peace with lyrica

Celebrex soothes roaring nerves
Fibro wakes up now and then
The disc says hello unexpectedly
Sending excited waves all over

Stillness of the night brushes over
An occasional snore stir the silence
Faux drowsiness running through
Buzzing sounds of far emergencies

Lights outside sheds a bright twinkle
Ignoring neverending pokes of pain
Central nervous system likes to joke
Pouring waves of tingle till you cry

Numbness became one's best friend
A new soulmate as close as fibro
Unspoken words shared the cannal
Borderline carpel tunnel syndrome

Muscles and veins dances together
Forming jingles of tap dancing
Weakened arms exhorts a laugh
Expressing turmoil without energy

Alas the dark night is still long
It is a beginning of a new battle
Science and emotions join forces
Shaping warriors of divine strength

Fighting Fibromyalgia Exhaustion

Sitting in the hospital lobby waiting for my housemate to pick me,

I decided to type a few notes. I had just completed one session of Physiotherapy. My back feels comforted with the tender consolation of machinery working together to help ease my back pain.

However, I am feeling very weak and lightheaded.

I'm not quite sure if it's fibromyalgia exhaustive tiredness or the side effects of lyrica that I took last night before going to bed. It took so much effort to wake up. I felt it was even easier in those days to do a few rounds of kickboxing than to get out of bed now. I feel extreme tiredness and heaviness on all my limbs. I am thinking of next week when I go back to work. How will I cope with these? 

I feel cold and numb as if all energy has been drained off me. This is not the first time. I have gone through these many times; dragging myself to work like a zombie. If you are suffering from fibromyalgia, you would probably know what I am talking about. I could barely bring my mouth muscles to form a smile.

I think of millions of people who might be in worse conditions than I am and yet they are still cheerful and fighting the good fight. 

These verses below brings me much consolation. There is no suffering here on earth that can be compared with the glory that awaits us in eternity. Whatever we are going through, God allows it to happen to shape us or make us more like His son. Remember that all things work out for good for those who love God. I would like to dedicate this to you if you feel like giving up because of all you have to go through.

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. 22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Don't give up! Fight the good fight!

Sciatica, Disk Herniation and Fibromyalgia

     It has been almost a month now since I last blogged. There are so many words in my head, so many things I want to share but that is not possible.

     I finally managed to see my doctor. I was admitted to hospital and found out I did have muscle injury near my left shin bone. However after a series of ultrasound therapies on my leg, I still have stabbing pain in my leg especially when I was lying down in the hospital bed. That was weird. I should not be having any pain when my legs were not moving. My kind doctor advised that I should do an MRI on my lumbar spine just in case. True enough, my L5/S1 has disk herniation. Most often, people called that 'slipped disc'. My leg was experiencing sciatica pain. The bulging disc was pushing on my nerves that were connected to my left leg near my shin. That was the culprit! In fact both of my discs were bulging. Doctor said that God is good to me to only allow pain on one side. Thank God for that.

     All these years, I always had backache and sometimes it was so bad that I could not even lie on my back. Little did I know all these accumulative 'pains' would lead to a condition like now. I also have fibromyalgia syndrome so I have many overlapping symptoms which masked the nerve impingement pain that I felt. Fibromyalgia did intensified my pain.

    I have never wanted to take medications to treat my fibromyalgia as I wanted to deal with it naturally. In fact, I was improving naturally due to lifestyle changes and more prayers. However, doctor advised that it is best now to take Lyrica to help with the 'crazy' nerve signals that fibro is sending. It has been making me very sleepy and drowsy. I feel blur and my head just need to plop on the bed every now and then.

    As of yesterday, I have cut down my dosage of Lyrica. I have to admit that my fibromyalgia pain is lessening. I do not feel much pain in my legs anymore but my back seems to be hurting more. That is still bearable. I thank God for many friends who visited me and helped me throughout these days of 'sick leave' and bed rest at home. Big thanks to my mother who flew in to nurse me. I feel like a grandmother now.

     I guess the whole experience has been very interesting. I have not slept in the hospital since I was six and it was 'enlightening' to have two different old ladies being admitted and discharged right next to my bed through out the duration of my stay. Perhaps I shall blog about them on a new post entirely. I have been pushed around in the wheelchairs, even in the malls and I must admit that it was quite fun. The best part was seeing how people react to me on wheelchairs. I know now how a handicapped feels like. I felt pampered to have so many people taking care of me especially when I was hospitalized. I also kept thinking of the many millions of poor people who could never afford medications or a visit to the doctor. I am very saddened by this. 

      Right now, I have finished a set of physio-therapies and am undergoing another set of interferential therapy and traction with hot pack. They really helped a lot. I am improving day by day thanks to all these technology plus lots of tender loving care from above and around me. I would be going back to work in a week. I pray the extra pressure of walking and everything would not urge sciatica to recur on me.

      I have to be extra careful now with everything that I do. I guess I took my lumbar spine for granted. I am going to miss all the kickboxing that I had always wanted to resume and a lot more fun activities that I have to avoid. There's always a bright side to everything. I guess and hope I'll be more compassionate to elderly people with aches and pains far worse than mine.

Praise the Lord for His mercy and healing!

p/s: Many people around me has never heard of fibromyalgia..it is so rare in Malaysia..I wonder if there are more people like me.

Blue Mountains - Make Each Day Count(Titanic)

Watching Titanic has reignited my passion for life and for arts..
"Make each day count", Jack Dawson said..

It made me wonder..
Have I lived to the point that I made each day count or did I merely drift through life just taking care of the chores that was thrown at me?

The past few months have been a little under the dark clouds..
Most of the time I am either juggling work or fighting the symptoms of fibromyalgia..
There have been days that I could not walk at all, days that throw me into phases of depression due to extreme fatigue and days where I am numbed by pain that seemed to be piercing me every other minute..
There were days that I wished I could just go home and sleep because my tiredness was like a chain holding me down to my bed..

Mum sent me Dr.Colbert's book on fighting fibromyalgia and I decided to try the anti-candida diet that he suggested in his book.

I looked back at my life..
I was always active, thrived on certain competitions and socialising..
And I had days of "solo" reflection where I loved to just chill on my own and do my painting..
As a child, I loved to lie on my tummy and passionately drew girls with different characters and I would conjure up in my head what they would wear and drew them on paper..all without a worry of time or chores
I loved books too..
I used to just lounged on my sofa, grabbed a book between my fingers and poured my soul into reading them..eventually led me to writing..and now I couldn't possibly stop although I slacked..my passion isn't burning anymore..

Books and arts are definitely two of my list of passions.
Have I make a big deal out of these two for God?

I don't know but I want to make a new resolution. The Easter season has just begun. It's a new beginning.

I want to live passionately. Armed with full vigour and filled with joy, that's the kind of bubble I want to be!

Somehow I had let fibromyalgia took the better of me in days that I felt lazy to fight..
Somehow it also made me relied on God's strength..
There were days where I could not even lift myself out from my bed but when I think of the responsibilities expected from me..I told God I truly need His strength..otherwise how could I do His work? ( He's my big boss by the way and I'm sure He's yours too)..true enough, His grace is sufficient..He always give me His strength to move through the days, to complete the tasks that was laid on me
I am learning to depend on Him..
I am learning to truly lean on Him..
I am learning to finally grasp the truth that indeed nothing is impossible with Him

He is teaching me to trust in His strength and not mine..for without Him, I am clearly nothing.
That's the beauty of the 'blue mountains' in our life..when you think the problems you have is too large to handle, throw it at Jesus!
You will be surprised that you will be granted sufficient graces to walk it through

No saints go through life without the 'blue mountains'. Abraham had to go through the crazy hot desert to reach the promised land. He trusted God and endured the journey leaving behind his comfortable home. The late Mother Teresa continued to tend to the poor despite her poor health when she was so sick at her old age. Nick Vujicic, born without limbs but happily preaching the word of God without complains despite his discomforts and disabilities to do what normal people can do.

Who am I to fret over a little discomfort and pain that is sent my way?

Where is that little girl who loved books and drawings?

She is still here fighting and recovering...yes, I am talking about me!

Make each day count
Who knows if my ship might sink tonight? Do I give up and die, sinking with it? Or do I promised that I will never let go of God?

Rose promised that she will not let go and would live. Jack lived by saving her life..a hero.

Either way, I am not letting go of God's hands. I know He will guide me through this blue mountain and I shall breathe passionately again..

With my books and my arts, one on the each hand, I shall live and make each day count :)

I hope you will too because life is short.
If you have been tired of life, and had let the chores of life drained you off your passions..think back on what you used to enjoy as a kid..what talents do you have that you can use to glorify God?

Make a big deal out of it and I pray that God may grant you strength so He will perfect you to fulfil His miSsion on earth for you!

"The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my victory. He is my God and I will praise Him; He is my Father's God and I will extol Him! - Exodus 15:2

Fighting Fibromyalgia

It's 3 am in the morning
I was awakened in pain all over
I couldn't sleep
It's personal and I should not be blogging about my condition
However, perhaps it will help someone who are facing the same battle as I do.
I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
It's been a challenging experience.
Some days you're ok, some days u are in pain all over
It's like piercing pain poking u simultaneously on all spots.
There are thousand and one symptoms that are even more challenging than the pain itself.
Every morning is a struggle for me.
Every day is a struggle for me.
Every night is a struggle for me.
I am trying to make lifestyle changes.
It's a condition no one will understand because it doesn't seem chronic enough to lead to death but yet your quality of life just go down.
Every morning, I wake up begging God to give me His strength.
Otherwise I will perish..otherwise I could not get out of bed.
If you're like me; fighting fibromyalgia..I pray you don't give up.
God understands and you maybe wondering why you? But ask why not you?
I know I will conquer this disease and be healed stronger than ever before..
So don't give up! Don't be discouraged because the Lord has plans for you.
Jeremiah 29:11
For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.
We humans are too weak but with God nothing is impossible.
Get up my child and be filled with God's strength!
May the good Lord help us in fighting fibromyalgia!