All my life since young, I always strived to be the best and to win something and to be somebody. I was an over-confident child although now I knew I was insecure deep inside. Working in the industry later made me realise that I am not that ‘awesome’ at all. In fact, I was less than good. I was criticised all the time especially in one of the companies I worked for and my boss told me I was not cut out to fit the role and wanted me to do something else. My confidence level dropped to zero or negative if that was allowed to exist.
Again and again, my pride got hurt but looking back, I think that is a good thing. It humbles me little by little but to the point I was scared to try much. I did what was expected of me and probably did not go beyond. I think I even turned into a doormat although I am not sure how that could be related. I threw what talents I think I had and plunged into something else and again, I strived to be somebody. Otherwise, how could I make a living? I cannot possibly sit on charity for a long time.
Yesterday it struck me that I am who I am; a CHILD of GOD. God will not love me any less if I never amount to much in this world. Why care about what other people think of me? I guess I knew this theory already but I feel so much pressure to perform; for the sake of my family, peers, country, mankind and even God.
I woke up to the sound of birds and nasty grogginess with the determination that I am going to quit. I quit being the writer I want to be, the artist I want to be, the designer I want to be, the perfect daughter I want to be, the saint I want to be and the list goes on. I quit being in control. I am going to take this burdensome pressure off myself and chuck it back to my Creator. After all, He’s the author of my life. It’s HIS responsibility.
His will is always perfect. Whatever I try to do will be in vain if He does not agree or bless my work. No matter how much I try, He’ll answer my prayers to “thy will be done” and block the success if it is not aligned with His will. If it’s His will, I don’t even need to struggle as much and He’ll be already flashing the green light.
And so I leave my fate into His hands. I think I say that to myself every time but deep inside, there’s always a part of me wanting to take control. Well, He’ll take care of me for sure. He’s my Papa, Abba, Father, Abohji, Baba,……and so, I know that all things will work out for good according to His plan.
I need only to surrender to Him and He’ll guide me step by step, day by day. I’ll definitely do my best in all that’s entrusted to me whether or not I will win a prize or make money or get mentioned or get a promotion. As long as my Father is pleased with my work, I am happy. After all, not everyone praise Mary when she carried the baby Jesus. In fact, she was scorned at. Little did they know that she was carrying the King of ‘everything’.
Ahhhh…I can breathe. I am so glad I took this heavy pressure off myself. Well, more like God has it now. He’ll complete what He has started.
Now you take care of me Lord. I’m all yours. Be it done unto me according to your will. I quit ;).
I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).